Movie Review: Jonah Hex

Originally published 6/19/10 at geekinthecity.com

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies during my time as a reviewer-slash-critic. In fact, I’ve found that the most terrible films are generally the easiest ones to review. This isn’t some trade secret that I’m unveiling to help explain my occasionally venomous description of Hollywood’s lesser creations. The simple truth is that it becomes a far simpler task to promote or dissuade people from viewing a movie about which you have a legitimately impassioned opinion. Good or bad, malice or praise, films that lie on the extremities of the emotional spectrum just elicit a more substantial response.

And then there is Jonah Hex.

It isn’t that this movie is a western and therefore cliche-ridden. It isn’t that Josh Brolin as the title character and John Malkovich as his nemesis turn in performances that are bewilderingly one-sided. Hell, it isn’t even the fact that entire action sequences are filmed in darkness, leaving the audience more bewildered as to what occurred than intrigued by the mysterious use of ’subtle lighting’. Nope, none of these shortcomings were egregious enough for me to really care about the hows or whys that brought them from the creators’ minds to the screen. In short, this movie was able to produce little more than apathetic ‘meh’ from both myself and what appeared to be the entirety of the audience. That’s right, even the ever-forgiving screener crowds were unimpressed. Now that takes some doing.

Jonah Hex is based on the long-standing DC Comics character whose ill-fated career as a Confederate soldier has brought him both pain and a mystical ability to commune with the dead. Not your average gunslinger to be certain, but Brolin’s take on the character is exactly that. Average. While the film’s trailers and studio hype might have you believe that Jonah Hex is equal parts western and sci-fi, this movie fails to deliver on either theme. Jonah Hex is probably better summed up as a combination of Ghost Rider and Wild Wild West, but without the fun of either. And yes, I know that those were both terrible films.

Hex’s story is one of revenge. Revenge on Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), who oversaw the murder of his family. Revenge on himself for allowing it to happen. Revenge on the Union for refusing to be nothing but a bureaucratic mess, I guess. Brolin plays on this theme by acting aloof to everyone he meets, almost as if he’s irritated that he allowed himself to be talked into a role in the film. Malkovich as Turnbull is part Loony Toon (think Yosemite Sam) and part Cyrus The Virus. The sum of these parts make for exactly what you might expect, another stereotypical movie villain with a penchant for blowing shit up. Megan Fox is also apparently in the movie. However, I faintly remember seeing her for more than a five minute segment, during which she spends her time sucking face with Hex and halting what little pace the film had with her godawful accent.

Jonah Hex isn’t the worst film you’ll see all year (one can hope) but it is certainly a mess. Brolin and Malkovich were clearly involved for little more than a paycheck, while one gets the feeling that Fox is either too dense or too vapid (or both) to discern that this is nothing more than a lateral move from Transformers. Sadly, this movie will accomplish exactly what it set out to do, create a comic movie stopgap between Iron Man 2 and Scott Pilgrim. For now, we’ll all suffer at the hands of Jonah Hex, though I think it is we who are due for a bit of revenge.

The ‘Clash of the Titans’ Playlist

Originally published 4/2/10 at geekinthecity.com

The general consensus on Louis Leterrier’s remake of “Clash of the Titans” seems to be that the two hours of uninspired, unnecessary sword and sandals wanking doesn’t merit a $10 ticket to your local cinema house. (Listen to the review HERE) The story lags to the point of stagnation and then finds itself resolved all to quickly in a final epileptic battle sequence. Sam Worthington’s performance as Perseus is so bland that he may as well suffered Medusa’s stone curse within film’s opening minutes. Liam Neeson’s Zeus and Ralph Fiennes’ Hades are petty, annoying and their constant monologuing takes away valuable screen time from the menagerie of harpies, scorpions and other creatures that serve as the film’s real characters.

All of these things might be true. But they can all be cleansed by one glorious thing… heavy metal.

Righteous. Fucking. Heavy metal.

To truly experience “Clash of the Titans” in the manner in which I feel the creators (be it intentionally or not) meant it to be seen, you need to replace ALL of the film’s audio with 25 of the most epic, victorious heavy metal songs. To make this task an easy one, I’ve taken the liberty of testing out this theory. What I witnessed in that dark theater was nothing short of legendary. Perseus riding a scorpion across the desert while Iron Maiden played “Where Eagles Dare”. Alestorm warning of the dangers that lie “Over the Seas” while the Kraken devoured Argos. The embattled group of Greek warriors were piped into battle with “To Holmgard and Beyond” by Turisas as they approached Medusa’s lair.

All of these things were amazing to behold, once the film’s soundtrack and dialogue were replaced in their entirety by the following 25 songs…

1. Rainbow - Tarot Woman
2. Iron Maiden - Caught Somewhere in Time
3. Megadeth - Holy Wars… The Punishment Due
4. Korpiklaani - Erämaan Ärjyt [Men of the Wild]
5. Iron Maiden - Where Eagles Dare
6. Alestorm - Leviathan
7. Alestorm - The Quest
8. Alestorm - Over the Seas
9. Monster Magnet - Melt
10. Iron Maiden - Children of the Damned
11. Megadeth - Hangar 18
12. Rhapsody of Fire - Echoes From the Elvish Woods / Fear of the Dungeons
13. Wolfmother - White Unicorn
14. Megadeth - Devil’s Island
15. Turisas - Fields of Gold
16. Black Majesty - Wings to Fly
17. Korpiklaani - Kultanainen [Golden Woman]
18. Moonsorrow - Kylan Passa
19. Rainbow - Stargazer
20. Therion - Son of the Staves of Time
21. Megadeth - The Conjuring
22. Powerman 5000 - When Worlds Collide
23. Monster Magnet - Negasonic Teenage Warhead
24. Turisas - To Holmgard and Beyond
25. Iron Maiden - Flight of the Icarus

Browse through your album collection, consult your favorite online music “reseller,” do whatever it takes to procure the above list of metal. Download them to a portable music device of your choosing, plug in your earbuds and set a random playlist as the lights go down and the opening credits roll. Do this and I guarantee that your experience for the next two hours will a far greater one than that of any other poor serf in the theater. At the film’s end while they are shaking their heads in bewilderment and disgust, you can stand proud and pump your fists in victory, knowing that you drank deep from the chalice of metal.

The Greatest Pirate Movies of All Time

Originally published 1/16/10 at geekinthecity.com

There was a time during the Golden Age of Hollywood in which pirates were king. Flynn, Fairbanks and the like controlled the silver screen as if she were their own captured prize, stolen from haughty English merchants who dared to sail too close to their flotilla. Swashbuckling, pillaging and wenching were commonplace an the movies and then suddenly, for some altogether unknown (and egregiously unnecessary) reason, the pirates went away. Long they slumbered in their dens, preparing for their glorious return to the forefront of American cinematic culture. And now, after what as seemed like an eternity, the pirates have returned. Sparrow, Barbossa and Davy Jones are avatars of this long-forgotten mainstay of Hollywood. So it is now that we celebrate these brigands, these ninja-stomping privateers, with a chronicle of the greatest pirate movies of all time. And believe me, what follows is a true listing of some of the finest sea-bound exploits that the world has ever laid their eyes on.

Raise yer tankards and make ready lads… here there be pirates!

Honorable Mention: Pirates (2005)

Yes, the porno. Despite your personal feelings on the genre (porn, not pirates), there is little doubt that Pirates was the most successful skin flick to cross over into the world of modern cinema. It became the highest grossing adult film of all time and even saw the release of an original soundtrack, which is something of an oxymoron for an industry that has never been touted for its er, musical prowess. Pirates may have never been released in theaters (well, not the ones you can take yer powder monkey to) but it garnered enough attention from the Depp-frenzied pirate fandom to make its way to video rental chains worldwide. In fact, Digital Playground, the film’s “studio,” found the demand for the movie so great that they re-cut the movie with an R rating. Which begs the question, what good is a porno without all the money shots? Surprisingly, pretty damn entertaining. Pirates is a genuinely fun flick that embraces the bravado of Pirates of the Caribbean along with a generous dose of good old-fashioned American sleaze. You can track down a copy of the R rated cut on Netflix and you’ll feel only slightly less dirty for doing so.

5. Peter Pan (2003)

The greatest film adaptation of J.M. Barrie’s renown novel suffered the cruel and untimely fate of being released in theaters a mere week after Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Sadly, the movie had little hope of garnering the attention of the hobbit-crazed box office crowd. An unfortunate thing indeed, as director P.J. Hogan’s translation of the oft-told story was both literally accurate and visually stunning. From Jeremy Sumpter’s performance as the titular character to Jason Isaacs’ brilliant turn as the venomous Captain Hook, this is one swashbuckling fantasy that transcends both genres to become something truly timeless.

4. Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

As I was compiling this list over the past few weeks, I contacted many of my pirate brethren for their input. After all, who better to formulate and judge a listing of classic pirate films than a swaggering band of miscreants and rogues? Over many pints it was debated which movies were the boldest and most worthy of brethren approval. Through it all, this was the one film that kept getting mentioned. From seadog to wench, rogue to ne’er-do-well, each of my mates presented this challenge: “You’ve got to put Muppet Treasure Island on yer list!” I suppose the appeal is obvious. Muppets, Tim Curry, Billy Connolly, showtunes, pirates… there are few better things in life. Put them all in one move and you get, well… this. Can’t say that it isn’t a damn fine film, so the brethren must be right.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

This film certainly has endured a lot over the past six years. From it’s kitschy concept (a movie based on the Disney ride?!) to unusual casting (Johnny Depp?!) to a surprising box office impact ($300 million?!), this flick remains as one of the most significant of the decade. Regardless of your feelings on the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, there is little doubt that Disney’s initial offering was something special. With a wink of his eye and a stagger in his step, Depp ushered in an entire subculture of pirates enthusiasts. That’s something even Errol Flynn couldn’t do. But Jack Sparrow be damned, Curse of the Black Pearl showcased every piratical trick that Disney could muster. Geoffrey Rush did his best Robert Newton impersonation in a brilliant turn as the villainous Hector Barbossa. Then there were the ships…. the ships! From the Dauntless to the Interceptor and the Black Pearl herself, these were the true standout characters of the film. With two admittedly sub par sequels, the legacy of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise may not be the shiny doubloon it once was. However, there isn’t a movie in the past fifty years that has had a greater impact on aspiring swashbucklers than this one.

2. Pirates of the Great Salt Lake (2006)

Chances are, you haven’t seen this film… and that is something we shall have to remedy. It was nothing short of an enormous tease to pirate fans when Pirates of the Great Salt Lake was initially announced. Touted as being a pirate film designed specifically for pirate fans, it had the national support of a niche audience while still hoping to capitalize on the popular allure of the cinematic swashbuckler . Pirates of the Great Salt Lake tells the story of Flint & Kirk, two Utah natives who decide that life had become far to mundane for their tastes, and that their fortune lay upon the great sea… in a life of piracy. This s a rare film that includes every critical element that one might expect from a pirate movie: buried treasure, murder, ghosts, gypsy curses, wenches, a commandeered ship, backstabbing, plundering and even a walk-on performance of an angelic Native American narrator. Director E.R. Nelson mixes all of these essential components with such fervor that you can’t help but to grab an eyepatch and give yourself over to the adventures of Flint & Kirk. By the time that you reach the story’s satisfying end, you’ll undoubtedly be ready to embark on a life of adventure on the high seas. This move isn’t just about pirates, it inspires pirates. A feelgood cutthroat flick for certain.

1. Captain Blood (1935)

Simply put, Captain Blood is pure piratical brilliance. It was the first partnership of Errol Flynn and director Michael Curtiz and is quite possibly the greatest. Flynn, a last-minute addition to the film (he replaced Robert Donat at the start of shooting) undoubtedly sculpted many of his Hollywood creations from the mold of Doctor Peter Blood. Dashing yet learned, adventurous yet methodical, there is a bit of Captain Blood in every pirate who has graced the silver screen since Flynn introduced him in 1935. A slave-turned-pirate whose strict moral code endeared him to his crew and made him enemies of both the Crown and a host of other buccaneers-for-hire. One of the most memorable scenes from Captain Blood features Flynn, in the heat of battle, using a dagger to slice to a mainsail, slowing his descent from the crow’s nest to the the carnage of a heated boarding party below. This image, like so many other in the movie, helped to invent the swashbuckling genre of pirate films in Hollywood. A noble feat indeed, and worthy of distinction as the greatest one of it’s kind.

Avatar - Movie Review

Originally published 12/19/09 at geekinthecity.com

To say that Avatar is director James Cameron’s most heavily anticipated film is a bit of a misnomer. True, the $300 million dollar pet-project has been nearly 12 years in the making. Yes, it has been heralded by many as the “film that will reinvent modern cinema,” but much of this is old hat to Cameron. The “King of the World” is no stranger to great expectations and even greater success. With a pedigree that sports aliens, terminators and sinking ships, Cameron’s work has certainly been lauded as groundbreaking in the past. So, with the unveiling of what appears to be his magnum opus, does the King still sit strong on his mountain?

Yes indeed. And I approve of this.

Avatar is a beautifully sprawling epic film whose seamless integration of CGI with the real-world outshines any missteps that its familiar story might make. It is a testament to Cameron’s patience (a main reason for the 12 year wait was to allow current technology to “catch up” to his vision) and most certainly a spot-on construct of his imagination. Everything onscreen, from the vivid technicolor inhabitants of the planet Pandora to the cold and brutal confines of the human base, is almost indescribably gorgeous. Despite this, the story that Cameron has set out to tell is certainly bereft of originality. But with visuals like these, maybe that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

The film’s plot, such as it is, involves a group of “aliens” (that would be us dirty humans) who have invaded and plan to strip-mine valuable resources from the lush planet of Pandora. The Na’vi, Pandora’s dominant indigenous species, don’t take kindly to this as their existence depends on both a spiritual and physical link to the planet’s ecosystem. Enter Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic ex-Marine who has volunteered to serve as a mitigation of sorts between the humans and the Na’vi. He does this through the use of an avatar, a genetically engineered Na’vi who receives a daily download of Sully’s consciousness. Sully’s job is simple: integrate himself into the Na’vi society and convince the race of 8′ tall cat-people that walking away from their homeland is a better choice than fighting the impending onslaught of mankind’s largest and most destructive arsenal. This of course doesn’t go over as well as expected and Sully finds himself the turncoat, ultimately defending the Na’vi, their way of life and his new found mobility.

So yes, the themes present in Avatar (along with some of it’s characters) aren’t exactly new. In fact, you can likely subtitle this film as Lt. John J. Dunbar and Clan Wallace Fight the Colonial Marines to Save Ferngully. The film also stars a foul-mouthed, cigarette-smoking Sigourney Weaver whose performance as Dr. Grace Augustine channels both Ellen Ripley and even a bit of Cameron himself. Stephen Lang finally gets his shot at Aliens redemption (he tried out for a role in the film) and literally tears apart the scenery as the film’s principal villain, Col. Miles Quaritch. Michelle Rodriguez does her best Vasquez impersonation as Trudy Chacon, a pilot whose shifting alliances makes for one of the movie’s most righteous fist-pumping moments. These characters don’t do much to distance Avatar from Cameron’s previous efforts, but after the first 30 minutes, you are so completely immersed in the visuals that you can forget (or rather give into) the fact that you’ve seen this movie before.

One of the main questions for most will be whether to see Avatar in 3D. The answer is most certainly yes. This film incorporates by far the best utilization of 3D technology that has ever been shown onscreen. Even better, Cameron presents the technology (again, one of his pet projects) as something that aids in bringing Pandora to life, instead of limiting its use to cheap “gotcha” effects. As the movie makes it’s shift from the human world to that of the Na’vi, the blending of CGI with real actors becomes more seamless. At the crescendo of it all, the movie delivers a nearly 20-minute battle sequence that simply cannot be comprehended without the aide of 3D. Simply put, Pandora was meant to be seen with this technology and on the largest possible screen. It is only then that you can truly see every plant, creature and landscape as it was undoubtedly conceived in Cameron’s mind’s eye.

You can’t help but to applaud Cameron’s efforts with Avatar. Also serving as the film’s writer, he has created more than just a visual world with Pandora. Everything from the language of the Na’vi to the technology in which the story is presented to the audience has seen his input. It is indeed a glorious thing when a creator’s passion and determination translate into something that can be experienced by all in the way that it was originally intended. Avatar is very much a visual experience and even though the story is lacking in depth, the strides that Cameron takes in creating a true three-dimensional film makes it a creation worthy of my praise. This movie may not ring everyone’s bell, but the more you give yourself over to the world of Pandora, despite it’s cliched themes, the more you will find yourself smiling at the end.

Perhaps now, more than ever, it is indeed good to be the King.

Comic Con Viral Goodness Returns! (updated 7/24)

Originally published 07/23/09 at geekinthecity.com

Now that the 2009 San Diego Comic Con is in full swing, the inevitable presence of glorious viral marketing is leaking out from all corners of the Con floor. We’ll do our best to keep tabs on which ARG’s (that’s Alternate Reality Games) are worth your time, so keep checking back to Geek in the City for updates!

Tron 2

Update 7/24 (really freaking early)

It looks like the hints at a return of Flynn’s Arcade were true, as Comic Con attendees learned earlier this evening. Starting at 9:30 PM at a gathering point across the street from the Convention Center, hundreds of Tron fans began an elaborate scavenger hunt through the streets of downtown San Diego. Their final destination?

Well…

This reproduction of Flynn’s Arcade apparently included an impressive spread of retro gaming cabinets, including Donkey Kong, Mario Brothers… and Space Paranoids! Playing the Space Paranoids game unlocked a series of codes, allowing fans at home to enter them into a recently-discovered hidden section of the ‘Flynn Lives’ website. Once all five codes have been unlocked, the ARG will likely continue. If you’re reading this and are in San Diego for Comic Con, we’ve learned that Flynn’s Arcade will be open to the public every night of the Con from 9pm - 1am!

Not that playing Space Paranoids and helping to unlock more secrets isn’t enough of a reason to check out the Arcade, how about this? A full-scale replica of the new light cycles from Tron: Legacy!

More to come, we’re sure…

Original post 7/23

Last year, Disney shocked SDCC a

ttendees by premiering an unannounced teaser trailer for Tron 2. Since then, little has leaked on this heavily-anticipated sequel. Of course, studios attending Comic Con favor properties that are entrenched in hardcore fandom, which fits the Tron legacy perfectly. A week ago, writers for a number of websites received an unmarked envelope containing two things… a USB flash drive and a single token for “Flynns Arcade”. Further inspection of the USB drive revealed two new websites (click each image)…

The countdown clock at FlynnLives.com will expire at 9:30 Pacific tonight and shows a meetup location of “the cul de sac at 1st & J Streets”. This of course is directly across the street from the San Diego Convention Center. Could we be in store for another Joker-esque scavenger hunt? Whatever is planned, chances are it will stretch far beyond SDCC, as Tron 2 isn’t schedule to hit theaters until 2011.

2012

The Roland Emmerich-directed disaster flick is capitalizing on the popularity of our impending apocalypse by launching a few nifty websites in San Diego. ThisIsTheEnd.com chronicles the travels of Charlie Frost, a man determined to warn the rest of humanity that the Mayans were right. Also, the Institute for Human Continuity offers help in preparing us mortals for a post-2012 world.

District 9

This Peter Jackson-produced alien flick created quite a buzz at last year’s SDCC with its “Humans Only” signs plastered everywhere on the Con floor, from restrooms to hallways. Since then, a few websites have been launched allowing fans to follow along with the fiilm’s story. You can skim through the secret blog of an alien visitor, read the official site for the government body in charge of alien containment or catch a birds-eye-view of the District 9 itself. This year, District 9 takes center stage a massive truck (for containment?) and rumors of a special screening of the film tonight.