Movie Review: Jonah Hex

Originally published 6/19/10 at geekinthecity.com

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies during my time as a reviewer-slash-critic. In fact, I’ve found that the most terrible films are generally the easiest ones to review. This isn’t some trade secret that I’m unveiling to help explain my occasionally venomous description of Hollywood’s lesser creations. The simple truth is that it becomes a far simpler task to promote or dissuade people from viewing a movie about which you have a legitimately impassioned opinion. Good or bad, malice or praise, films that lie on the extremities of the emotional spectrum just elicit a more substantial response.

And then there is Jonah Hex.

It isn’t that this movie is a western and therefore cliche-ridden. It isn’t that Josh Brolin as the title character and John Malkovich as his nemesis turn in performances that are bewilderingly one-sided. Hell, it isn’t even the fact that entire action sequences are filmed in darkness, leaving the audience more bewildered as to what occurred than intrigued by the mysterious use of ’subtle lighting’. Nope, none of these shortcomings were egregious enough for me to really care about the hows or whys that brought them from the creators’ minds to the screen. In short, this movie was able to produce little more than apathetic ‘meh’ from both myself and what appeared to be the entirety of the audience. That’s right, even the ever-forgiving screener crowds were unimpressed. Now that takes some doing.

Jonah Hex is based on the long-standing DC Comics character whose ill-fated career as a Confederate soldier has brought him both pain and a mystical ability to commune with the dead. Not your average gunslinger to be certain, but Brolin’s take on the character is exactly that. Average. While the film’s trailers and studio hype might have you believe that Jonah Hex is equal parts western and sci-fi, this movie fails to deliver on either theme. Jonah Hex is probably better summed up as a combination of Ghost Rider and Wild Wild West, but without the fun of either. And yes, I know that those were both terrible films.

Hex’s story is one of revenge. Revenge on Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), who oversaw the murder of his family. Revenge on himself for allowing it to happen. Revenge on the Union for refusing to be nothing but a bureaucratic mess, I guess. Brolin plays on this theme by acting aloof to everyone he meets, almost as if he’s irritated that he allowed himself to be talked into a role in the film. Malkovich as Turnbull is part Loony Toon (think Yosemite Sam) and part Cyrus The Virus. The sum of these parts make for exactly what you might expect, another stereotypical movie villain with a penchant for blowing shit up. Megan Fox is also apparently in the movie. However, I faintly remember seeing her for more than a five minute segment, during which she spends her time sucking face with Hex and halting what little pace the film had with her godawful accent.

Jonah Hex isn’t the worst film you’ll see all year (one can hope) but it is certainly a mess. Brolin and Malkovich were clearly involved for little more than a paycheck, while one gets the feeling that Fox is either too dense or too vapid (or both) to discern that this is nothing more than a lateral move from Transformers. Sadly, this movie will accomplish exactly what it set out to do, create a comic movie stopgap between Iron Man 2 and Scott Pilgrim. For now, we’ll all suffer at the hands of Jonah Hex, though I think it is we who are due for a bit of revenge.

The ‘Clash of the Titans’ Playlist

Originally published 4/2/10 at geekinthecity.com

The general consensus on Louis Leterrier’s remake of “Clash of the Titans” seems to be that the two hours of uninspired, unnecessary sword and sandals wanking doesn’t merit a $10 ticket to your local cinema house. (Listen to the review HERE) The story lags to the point of stagnation and then finds itself resolved all to quickly in a final epileptic battle sequence. Sam Worthington’s performance as Perseus is so bland that he may as well suffered Medusa’s stone curse within film’s opening minutes. Liam Neeson’s Zeus and Ralph Fiennes’ Hades are petty, annoying and their constant monologuing takes away valuable screen time from the menagerie of harpies, scorpions and other creatures that serve as the film’s real characters.

All of these things might be true. But they can all be cleansed by one glorious thing… heavy metal.

Righteous. Fucking. Heavy metal.

To truly experience “Clash of the Titans” in the manner in which I feel the creators (be it intentionally or not) meant it to be seen, you need to replace ALL of the film’s audio with 25 of the most epic, victorious heavy metal songs. To make this task an easy one, I’ve taken the liberty of testing out this theory. What I witnessed in that dark theater was nothing short of legendary. Perseus riding a scorpion across the desert while Iron Maiden played “Where Eagles Dare”. Alestorm warning of the dangers that lie “Over the Seas” while the Kraken devoured Argos. The embattled group of Greek warriors were piped into battle with “To Holmgard and Beyond” by Turisas as they approached Medusa’s lair.

All of these things were amazing to behold, once the film’s soundtrack and dialogue were replaced in their entirety by the following 25 songs…

1. Rainbow - Tarot Woman
2. Iron Maiden - Caught Somewhere in Time
3. Megadeth - Holy Wars… The Punishment Due
4. Korpiklaani - Erämaan Ärjyt [Men of the Wild]
5. Iron Maiden - Where Eagles Dare
6. Alestorm - Leviathan
7. Alestorm - The Quest
8. Alestorm - Over the Seas
9. Monster Magnet - Melt
10. Iron Maiden - Children of the Damned
11. Megadeth - Hangar 18
12. Rhapsody of Fire - Echoes From the Elvish Woods / Fear of the Dungeons
13. Wolfmother - White Unicorn
14. Megadeth - Devil’s Island
15. Turisas - Fields of Gold
16. Black Majesty - Wings to Fly
17. Korpiklaani - Kultanainen [Golden Woman]
18. Moonsorrow - Kylan Passa
19. Rainbow - Stargazer
20. Therion - Son of the Staves of Time
21. Megadeth - The Conjuring
22. Powerman 5000 - When Worlds Collide
23. Monster Magnet - Negasonic Teenage Warhead
24. Turisas - To Holmgard and Beyond
25. Iron Maiden - Flight of the Icarus

Browse through your album collection, consult your favorite online music “reseller,” do whatever it takes to procure the above list of metal. Download them to a portable music device of your choosing, plug in your earbuds and set a random playlist as the lights go down and the opening credits roll. Do this and I guarantee that your experience for the next two hours will a far greater one than that of any other poor serf in the theater. At the film’s end while they are shaking their heads in bewilderment and disgust, you can stand proud and pump your fists in victory, knowing that you drank deep from the chalice of metal.

The Greatest Pirate Movies of All Time

Originally published 1/16/10 at geekinthecity.com

There was a time during the Golden Age of Hollywood in which pirates were king. Flynn, Fairbanks and the like controlled the silver screen as if she were their own captured prize, stolen from haughty English merchants who dared to sail too close to their flotilla. Swashbuckling, pillaging and wenching were commonplace an the movies and then suddenly, for some altogether unknown (and egregiously unnecessary) reason, the pirates went away. Long they slumbered in their dens, preparing for their glorious return to the forefront of American cinematic culture. And now, after what as seemed like an eternity, the pirates have returned. Sparrow, Barbossa and Davy Jones are avatars of this long-forgotten mainstay of Hollywood. So it is now that we celebrate these brigands, these ninja-stomping privateers, with a chronicle of the greatest pirate movies of all time. And believe me, what follows is a true listing of some of the finest sea-bound exploits that the world has ever laid their eyes on.

Raise yer tankards and make ready lads… here there be pirates!

Honorable Mention: Pirates (2005)

Yes, the porno. Despite your personal feelings on the genre (porn, not pirates), there is little doubt that Pirates was the most successful skin flick to cross over into the world of modern cinema. It became the highest grossing adult film of all time and even saw the release of an original soundtrack, which is something of an oxymoron for an industry that has never been touted for its er, musical prowess. Pirates may have never been released in theaters (well, not the ones you can take yer powder monkey to) but it garnered enough attention from the Depp-frenzied pirate fandom to make its way to video rental chains worldwide. In fact, Digital Playground, the film’s “studio,” found the demand for the movie so great that they re-cut the movie with an R rating. Which begs the question, what good is a porno without all the money shots? Surprisingly, pretty damn entertaining. Pirates is a genuinely fun flick that embraces the bravado of Pirates of the Caribbean along with a generous dose of good old-fashioned American sleaze. You can track down a copy of the R rated cut on Netflix and you’ll feel only slightly less dirty for doing so.

5. Peter Pan (2003)

The greatest film adaptation of J.M. Barrie’s renown novel suffered the cruel and untimely fate of being released in theaters a mere week after Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Sadly, the movie had little hope of garnering the attention of the hobbit-crazed box office crowd. An unfortunate thing indeed, as director P.J. Hogan’s translation of the oft-told story was both literally accurate and visually stunning. From Jeremy Sumpter’s performance as the titular character to Jason Isaacs’ brilliant turn as the venomous Captain Hook, this is one swashbuckling fantasy that transcends both genres to become something truly timeless.

4. Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

As I was compiling this list over the past few weeks, I contacted many of my pirate brethren for their input. After all, who better to formulate and judge a listing of classic pirate films than a swaggering band of miscreants and rogues? Over many pints it was debated which movies were the boldest and most worthy of brethren approval. Through it all, this was the one film that kept getting mentioned. From seadog to wench, rogue to ne’er-do-well, each of my mates presented this challenge: “You’ve got to put Muppet Treasure Island on yer list!” I suppose the appeal is obvious. Muppets, Tim Curry, Billy Connolly, showtunes, pirates… there are few better things in life. Put them all in one move and you get, well… this. Can’t say that it isn’t a damn fine film, so the brethren must be right.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

This film certainly has endured a lot over the past six years. From it’s kitschy concept (a movie based on the Disney ride?!) to unusual casting (Johnny Depp?!) to a surprising box office impact ($300 million?!), this flick remains as one of the most significant of the decade. Regardless of your feelings on the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, there is little doubt that Disney’s initial offering was something special. With a wink of his eye and a stagger in his step, Depp ushered in an entire subculture of pirates enthusiasts. That’s something even Errol Flynn couldn’t do. But Jack Sparrow be damned, Curse of the Black Pearl showcased every piratical trick that Disney could muster. Geoffrey Rush did his best Robert Newton impersonation in a brilliant turn as the villainous Hector Barbossa. Then there were the ships…. the ships! From the Dauntless to the Interceptor and the Black Pearl herself, these were the true standout characters of the film. With two admittedly sub par sequels, the legacy of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise may not be the shiny doubloon it once was. However, there isn’t a movie in the past fifty years that has had a greater impact on aspiring swashbucklers than this one.

2. Pirates of the Great Salt Lake (2006)

Chances are, you haven’t seen this film… and that is something we shall have to remedy. It was nothing short of an enormous tease to pirate fans when Pirates of the Great Salt Lake was initially announced. Touted as being a pirate film designed specifically for pirate fans, it had the national support of a niche audience while still hoping to capitalize on the popular allure of the cinematic swashbuckler . Pirates of the Great Salt Lake tells the story of Flint & Kirk, two Utah natives who decide that life had become far to mundane for their tastes, and that their fortune lay upon the great sea… in a life of piracy. This s a rare film that includes every critical element that one might expect from a pirate movie: buried treasure, murder, ghosts, gypsy curses, wenches, a commandeered ship, backstabbing, plundering and even a walk-on performance of an angelic Native American narrator. Director E.R. Nelson mixes all of these essential components with such fervor that you can’t help but to grab an eyepatch and give yourself over to the adventures of Flint & Kirk. By the time that you reach the story’s satisfying end, you’ll undoubtedly be ready to embark on a life of adventure on the high seas. This move isn’t just about pirates, it inspires pirates. A feelgood cutthroat flick for certain.

1. Captain Blood (1935)

Simply put, Captain Blood is pure piratical brilliance. It was the first partnership of Errol Flynn and director Michael Curtiz and is quite possibly the greatest. Flynn, a last-minute addition to the film (he replaced Robert Donat at the start of shooting) undoubtedly sculpted many of his Hollywood creations from the mold of Doctor Peter Blood. Dashing yet learned, adventurous yet methodical, there is a bit of Captain Blood in every pirate who has graced the silver screen since Flynn introduced him in 1935. A slave-turned-pirate whose strict moral code endeared him to his crew and made him enemies of both the Crown and a host of other buccaneers-for-hire. One of the most memorable scenes from Captain Blood features Flynn, in the heat of battle, using a dagger to slice to a mainsail, slowing his descent from the crow’s nest to the the carnage of a heated boarding party below. This image, like so many other in the movie, helped to invent the swashbuckling genre of pirate films in Hollywood. A noble feat indeed, and worthy of distinction as the greatest one of it’s kind.

Avatar - Movie Review

Originally published 12/19/09 at geekinthecity.com

To say that Avatar is director James Cameron’s most heavily anticipated film is a bit of a misnomer. True, the $300 million dollar pet-project has been nearly 12 years in the making. Yes, it has been heralded by many as the “film that will reinvent modern cinema,” but much of this is old hat to Cameron. The “King of the World” is no stranger to great expectations and even greater success. With a pedigree that sports aliens, terminators and sinking ships, Cameron’s work has certainly been lauded as groundbreaking in the past. So, with the unveiling of what appears to be his magnum opus, does the King still sit strong on his mountain?

Yes indeed. And I approve of this.

Avatar is a beautifully sprawling epic film whose seamless integration of CGI with the real-world outshines any missteps that its familiar story might make. It is a testament to Cameron’s patience (a main reason for the 12 year wait was to allow current technology to “catch up” to his vision) and most certainly a spot-on construct of his imagination. Everything onscreen, from the vivid technicolor inhabitants of the planet Pandora to the cold and brutal confines of the human base, is almost indescribably gorgeous. Despite this, the story that Cameron has set out to tell is certainly bereft of originality. But with visuals like these, maybe that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

The film’s plot, such as it is, involves a group of “aliens” (that would be us dirty humans) who have invaded and plan to strip-mine valuable resources from the lush planet of Pandora. The Na’vi, Pandora’s dominant indigenous species, don’t take kindly to this as their existence depends on both a spiritual and physical link to the planet’s ecosystem. Enter Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a paraplegic ex-Marine who has volunteered to serve as a mitigation of sorts between the humans and the Na’vi. He does this through the use of an avatar, a genetically engineered Na’vi who receives a daily download of Sully’s consciousness. Sully’s job is simple: integrate himself into the Na’vi society and convince the race of 8′ tall cat-people that walking away from their homeland is a better choice than fighting the impending onslaught of mankind’s largest and most destructive arsenal. This of course doesn’t go over as well as expected and Sully finds himself the turncoat, ultimately defending the Na’vi, their way of life and his new found mobility.

So yes, the themes present in Avatar (along with some of it’s characters) aren’t exactly new. In fact, you can likely subtitle this film as Lt. John J. Dunbar and Clan Wallace Fight the Colonial Marines to Save Ferngully. The film also stars a foul-mouthed, cigarette-smoking Sigourney Weaver whose performance as Dr. Grace Augustine channels both Ellen Ripley and even a bit of Cameron himself. Stephen Lang finally gets his shot at Aliens redemption (he tried out for a role in the film) and literally tears apart the scenery as the film’s principal villain, Col. Miles Quaritch. Michelle Rodriguez does her best Vasquez impersonation as Trudy Chacon, a pilot whose shifting alliances makes for one of the movie’s most righteous fist-pumping moments. These characters don’t do much to distance Avatar from Cameron’s previous efforts, but after the first 30 minutes, you are so completely immersed in the visuals that you can forget (or rather give into) the fact that you’ve seen this movie before.

One of the main questions for most will be whether to see Avatar in 3D. The answer is most certainly yes. This film incorporates by far the best utilization of 3D technology that has ever been shown onscreen. Even better, Cameron presents the technology (again, one of his pet projects) as something that aids in bringing Pandora to life, instead of limiting its use to cheap “gotcha” effects. As the movie makes it’s shift from the human world to that of the Na’vi, the blending of CGI with real actors becomes more seamless. At the crescendo of it all, the movie delivers a nearly 20-minute battle sequence that simply cannot be comprehended without the aide of 3D. Simply put, Pandora was meant to be seen with this technology and on the largest possible screen. It is only then that you can truly see every plant, creature and landscape as it was undoubtedly conceived in Cameron’s mind’s eye.

You can’t help but to applaud Cameron’s efforts with Avatar. Also serving as the film’s writer, he has created more than just a visual world with Pandora. Everything from the language of the Na’vi to the technology in which the story is presented to the audience has seen his input. It is indeed a glorious thing when a creator’s passion and determination translate into something that can be experienced by all in the way that it was originally intended. Avatar is very much a visual experience and even though the story is lacking in depth, the strides that Cameron takes in creating a true three-dimensional film makes it a creation worthy of my praise. This movie may not ring everyone’s bell, but the more you give yourself over to the world of Pandora, despite it’s cliched themes, the more you will find yourself smiling at the end.

Perhaps now, more than ever, it is indeed good to be the King.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Spoiler Filled Geek Angst Review

Originally published 06/26/09 at geekinthecity.com

There is a moment during the last third of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen when John Turturro’s character looks directly at the camera and pleads for a concise and to-the-point description of the story so far. He’s irritated, confused and out of patience with not only his current predicament, but seemingly the entire film. Of course, who could blame him? A few scenes earlier, Turturro was showcasing his bulbous, pock-marked asscheeks onscreen as he tore off his pants, proudly displaying his Sector 7 thong.

This is how your geek childhood dies.

I’ve got to hand it to Michael Bay. It is no small task to take a movie whose sole premise is a series of brawls featuring giant fighting alien robots and turn it into an offensive, confusing and altogether unwatchable cinematic experience. Bay, whose directing prowess has never been grounded in the cumbersome territory of character development or plot progression, is in rare form with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Admittedly, I was able to enjoy Bay’s first film adaptation of Hasbro’s iconic action figure line/cartoon. In fact, there were moments during the first movie where I found myself pumping my fist in glee, reveling in the life size versions of the familiar childhood epic backyard battles in which I served as both hero and nemesis. Watching Optimus Prime (even with the flames), Bumblebee (even without the voice) and Megatron (even as a jet) was worth the price of admission, which I gladly paid more than once.

Then they had to go and make this fucking travesty.

I’ll make this very easy for you. What follows is a checklist of everything good, bad and altogether offputting in Revenge of the Fallen. If you find yourself approvingly circling more than two things on this list, then by all means dash to your local metroplex and prepare for a 2 1/2 hour onslaught of Bayisms. If you’re on the fence after reading this, carefully reconsider dumping your ten bucks into this film. You’ll only be encouraging him. Consider this list spoiler-heavy, so be warned if you’re not the kind who wants to know in advance exactly how many giant robots die, how effective Shia is or where to find the teabagging and fart jokes. If so then well… you’re probably going to see the damn thing anyway.

Optimus Prime: I’m sure that I am not the only one who would pay Peter Cullen the price of a movie ticket to read a page from the latest edition of Merriam-Webster. The man clearly enjoys voicing the Autobot leader above all of his other works (including Eeyore). However, I get the feeling that casting Cullen as the voice of Optimus Prime may have been the only ground that Michael Bay gave to the vast and frenzied Transformers fanbase. Prime is easily the most energetic and charismatic character in this film… which of course means that he gets killed off about halfway through. Yes, Prime does get resurrected during the final moments, but the hour or so that he is offscreen feels like an eternity. Prime’s battle sequences, especially his final smackdown versus Megatron and The Fallen, are the movie’s high-points. However, even the Autobot Matrix of Leadership can’t save the film when Optimus isn’t speaking, transforming or fighting.

The Fallen: Apparently, he’s the movie’s bad guy. You even get told as much by Decepticon turncoat Jetfire (we’ll get to him in a moment) in a plot-delivery monologue reminiscent of the butler’s speech at the end of Spiderman 3. The Fallen isn’t so much of a badass as he is a nuisance, sending his non-transforming minions out to do the dirty work in the film’s end battle sequence. Oh, and he’s voiced by Tony Todd (say it again four times) who sounds as if he’s speaking through a Cybertronian smoker’s larynx.

Devastator: Is wasted. Also, he has giant steel balls. Which is not to say that I didn’t expect an enormous robot comprised of smaller construction vehicles to not have certain ball-like features. I mean, the back half of a cement mixer is round. Giant tires are round. What I didn’t expect was for Devastator to have two wrecking balls hanging from beneath his legs. And, as if the sight gag wasn’t enough, they are pointed out in a scene that literally stops all momentum of the film so that an actor can deliver the line: “I’m beneath the robot’s scrotum.” That’s right, leader of the Constructicons gets to be the delivery method for a teabag joke in this movie. I can’t make this stuff up.

The Twins: By now, you’ve likely heard much of the outcry surrounding Mudflap and Skids. They’re racial stereotypes. They speak in Ebonics. They can’t read. One has a gold tooth. You know what? The twins are all of these things and worst of all, they’re clearly targeted at kids. I’ve seen (and to a certain extent, enjoyed) a number of films that contained racial stereotypes. None of these moves were marketed exclusively towards children. In Revenge of the Fallen Michael Bay places Mudflap and Skids in front of the camera with the frequency and eagerness of a Gungan-obsessed neckbeard. They replace Bumblebee as the marketing tool for the under-12 demographic, even appearing in a damn Burger King commercial. Well done, Dreamworks. Mudflap and Skids are the reason that I won’t be taking my kid to see this film.

Jetfire: He’s the Decepticon version of Benedict Arnold, only with irritable bowls. He’s also a SR-71 Blackbird, which was admittedly a very cool addition to the Transformers fleet. Jetfire exists in this film for a single reason.. to further the plot via exposition. OK, that and deliver fart jokes, so two reasons really. He’s the dirty old man of Bay’s Transformers universe and while he sacrifices himself at the end of the film to ’save’ Optimus Prime, we have to suffer through close to 30 minutes of old age jokes to get to his 30-second swan song. If I want effective old man jokes, I’ll go see UP again.

Megan Fox: Boobs. In slow motion.

Shia LaBeouf: I’ve never been one to herald the acting prowess of LaBeouf, instead thinking that he has set himself up nicely to be the next Hasselhoff or Swaze… or Bosworth. In the first Transformers, Shia’s spastic line delivery was spread out in the film, making it at least tolerable. Moments of Sam Witwicky looking awkward-yet-heroic were broken up by enough robot vs. robot fighting that you didn’t have enough time to become annoyed with him. In Fallen, Shia rewards us with entire scenes of speed-mumbling, incomprehensible dialog. Its as if he decided that his performance in this movie was his chance to audition for the voice of Blurr in TF3. It doesn’t work and we’re left to suffer while he rambles on in his twitchy and frustratingly frequent appearances onscreen.

The Rest of The Giant Fighting Robots: While Bay added more Autobots and Decepticons into the film, the fighting and action sequences are so closely shot and the robots to similar looking that it is almost impossible to tell them apart. Since there are more robots in TF2 than the first film, this makes the issue doubly frustrating. Bumblebee, Starscream, Ironhide and Ratchet all get speaking roles, making them instantly recognizable. Beyond those, the credits list a host of other robots that may or may not have actually been shown onscreen. Arcee is definately present, but this time appears as a trio pink, blue and purple motorcycles. Soundwave stays in orbit for the entire film, loafing in space as a communications satellite. For some unexplained reason, Jazz returns, but dies again… I think. Jolt, Sideswipe, Sideways, Grindor and Scorponok all appear in the credits, but they seamlessly blended into the shrapnel and gunpowder that dominated the screen during every bot vs. bot battle.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a bumbling, obnoxious, clusterfuck of a film and deserves to be exiled to the proverbial clearance isle of geek culture. The goodwill of the those who were raised on a steady diet of Saturday morning cartoons and pop culture minutia does not come easy. To take Transformers, one of the most revered properties in all of geekdom and reduce it to a 150 minute long dissertation on dry humping, racial stereotypes and EXPLOSIONS does nothing more than confirm that Michael Bay is is the one-trick Hollywood douchebag that we all expected he was. I guess Bay didn’t rape my childhood with this movie, but he certainly didn’t turn it into a giant fighting robot.

Shocker Toys Indie Spotlight SCUD - Toy Review

Originally published 06/18/09 at geekinthecity.com

Photo gallery available HERE

It has certainly been a long time coming for the Indie Spotlight series from Shocker Toys. The line, in all of its various forms, has been in production since early 2006. While Shocker has endured production delays, stiff competition from other toy companies and a heavy dose of internet skepticism, the full series of 6″ scale figures finally made it into store this spring. Indie Spotlight Series 1 consists of five “heroes” from a variety of somewhat-obscure but well-loved comic books. Katchoo, The Maxx, Shadowhawk, Kabuki and SCUD: The Disposable Assassin round out the eclectic selection of characters in Shocker’s inaugural series. In this review, I’ll take a look a the variant “SOL” version of SCUD: The Disposable Assassin.

Packaging:
Each figure in the Indie Spotlight series comes in a simple blister-style package. However, the plastic bubble and insert which holds the figure doesn’t actually attach to the cardboard backing. Meaning, it is an easy task to remove each figure from its plastic prison, all while retaining the packaging for easy storage and display. The cardboard insert is composed of durable heavyweight stock, meaning no creasing or bending will ruin the display for those collectors who covet their pristine packaging. The back of each card features a full-color image of each of the figures in Indie Spotlight Series 1, as well as a character-specific bio.

Sculpt & Likeness:
Adapting a comic book character into three-dimensional form isn’t exactly a new process. However, there is always a certain level of difficulty when a company makes an attempt at creating the first action figure of a specific superhero or villain. So it goes with SCUD, who sees his action figure debut with Indy Spotlight Series 1. SCUD is essentially a robot, which made the job for Shocker’s sculptors a bit easier. The 6″ scale figure is little more than a combination of cylindrical appendages and round joints. However, this in no means undermines the figure’s aesthetics, which are a spot-on match to SCUD’s comic likeness. The figure comes with two sets of detachable hands with one set featuring SCUD’s trademark dual pistols. The hands and pistols look great but are unfortunately sculpted as one piece, not allowing for the weapons to become detached. A minor gripe, but one worth noting especially since customizers might have enjoyed using these awesome looking guns with other 6″ scale figures.

Articulation:
SCUD has to be easily the most articulated figure in the Indie Spotlight series, and might certainly be one of the most posable 6″ scale figures that I have added to my collection. The figure has over 20 movable joints, allowing for SCUD to be bent and formed into almost any action pose imaginable. Since the figure is constructed of fairly lightweight material, most of these poses don’t cause SCUD to topple over. Its a well-balanced figure and one that that takes advantage of its articulation points better than most of the “super-posable” toys available in other toy lines.

Paint & Color:
The variant “SOL” version of SCUD is almost completely black, save for only a few white highlights on the figure’s joints and head. The black wash and subtle details are cleanly applied, but the color choice makes SCUD look less like a comic hero and more like a Battle Droid. However, his front and back sport comic-accurate decals (including SCUD’s trademark “Attention” label) and prevent the figure from looking too bland. The “SOL” version might be a better fit for action figure customizers, who will likely see the figure’s amazing articulation and plain color apps as a blank slate. SCUD’s standard version has the character in his more recognized yellow and red, which is actually my preferred version.

Overall Impression:
Given the well-chronicled delays that Shocker’s Indie Spotlight series has seen throughout its production, fans of the line should be ecstatic with the toys that they can now hold in their hands. Each figure in Series 1 also include a miniature ISZ figure (from The Maxx comic series), which is a nice and simple addition to the series. Each ISZ is different in color and sculpt, but doesn’t include any articulation. The SCUD figure is a great piece and will undoubtedly be a must-have for fans of the disposable assassin, or independent comics in general. The “SOL” variant appears to be available in fewer quantities, while the regular version (yellow/red) of SCUD is more readily available. The articulation alone makes SCUD worth the $15 - $18 you might pay to purchase him from your local comic shop or onlne retailer. Here’s hoping that Shocker has finally found their niche and that we can expect more Indie Spotlight figures from them very soon.

Review - X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Article originally published 05/01/2009 at geekinthecity.com

Make no mistake, Fox is behind the eight-ball with X Men Origins: Wolverine The embattled studio’s attempts at resurrecting the tarnished X-Men film franchise was seemingly scuttled a few weeks ago with the leaked ‘work print’ copy of Wolverine’s latest onscreen exploits. The leak was unexpected, if not altogether astonishing considering the completeness of the film. Fox was quick to inform fans that the version being swapped about through the gamut of file-sharing websites was an unfinished product, lacking both additional footage (the project did go through a series of re-shoots), digital FX and an original score.

Regardless, the movie found itself being downloaded more than 1 million times and the word was out… the movie was bad…

What amazes me about X Men Origins: Wolverine is not the film’s lack of originality. That was to be expected, if not hoped for by the leagues of comic fans who have always valued a direct comic-to-film translation over a “re-imagination” of their beloved characters. It wasn’t even the film’s waddling pace or ridiculous ending that I found annoying. Instead, I was most surprised by a single theme that is present through the entire move. Wolverine is a pussy. A character who what was once revered as one of the most violent and brutal anti-heroes in comics has finally been brought down to a whining, pizza-hocking, Slurpee-cup-toting, bone-clawed shell of his former self. Sure, the Wolverine of Fox’s franchise chomps cigars and drops the occasional “bub” during conversation. Hell, he even wears a fair amount of flannel.

Ultimately, none of these things work and Logan spends the majority of the film either screaming (at nothing in particular) or locked in the same (losing) battle with Sabretooth. Its a pale comparison to the gruff character Hugh Jackman brought to life onscreen in 2000’s X-Men, and its a sad thing to see happen to one of Marvel’s most popular characters.

At its core, Wolverine is nothing more than a series of generic fight scenes that attempt to hold together an unnecessary background story about a character that was far more fascinating when we knew less about him. The film starts with a brief recap of Logan and Victor’s childhood, where it is revealed that (at least in this universe) the two are brothers. After Logan (at this point, going by James - his real name) pops his claws for the first time, the two quickly decide that they need to stick together; to fend for themselves. This opening scene makes way for a surprisingly awesome credit sequence, which shows the brothers in combat during the Civil War, WWI, WWII and Vietnam. This credit sequence is righteous (that makes two this year, thanks to Watchmen) and it serves as an amazing introduction to an adult Logan (Jackman) and Victor (Liev Schreiber) as they make full use of their mutant healing factors while killing Nazi’s, Communists and a host of other bad guys.

Once this is out of the way, we are introduced to William Stryker (Danny Huston), a man whose name is familiar within X-Men lore. An older Stryker (played brilliantly by Brian Cox) was hinted as being the man responsible for Logan’s lost memories during X-Men 2. Here, we meet a younger version of the man, whose ambitions aren’t that far off from those destined in his mutant-hating future. Stryker serves as the film’s principal villain, and Huston does a serviceable job encapsulating the man who essentially ‘creates’ Wolverine by way of the Weapon X project. Throughout the film, Stryker and his operatives always seem to be one step ahead of Logan, at times even using Victor to bring Logan down and by the time poor Wolvie realizes that he has been played, there isn’t much for him to do but… well, scream.

Of course, there are several other mutant appearances in Wolverine. One of the most surprising of these, at least at the time of his casting, was that of Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. Let me make one thing abundantly clear: Deadpool is not in this movie. Reynolds portrays a wisecracking soldier named Wade Wilson who has an affinity for swords, but his screen time is limited to less than three minutes and none of these involve his character doing more than deflecting bullets with his blades. That’s it. So, fans of the “merc with the mouth” can rest easy. Deadpool hasn’t been bent over a barrel in this film. Hell, he wasn’t even invited to the party. Reynolds’ character is cute, but it is so fleeting that by the time he’s cracked his first joke, we’ve cut to another shot of Wolverine… screaming. The Blob, Cyclops and Gambit also show up throughout the movie, with Gambit getting the most screen time. Horrible casting aside (LOST’s Josh Holloway should have portrayed the rajun Cajun instead of Taylor Kitsch) Gambit’s role seems to be regulated to that of the “plucky sidekick” to Logan. He slips in and out of a Southern/Cajun/Texan accent and ultimately looks his coolest when he is dealing cards at a poker table, not butting in on a fight between Wolverine and Sabretooth.

To say that X Men Origins: Wolverine is a disappointment would be to give the false notion that there was any hope left in this franchise. Even after the train wreck that was X-Men 3, Fox has clearly decided that there is still a need for 107 minutes of pacified, tedious back story on the only marketable member of the team. I suppose I should be angry because as a lifelong Marvel fan, I feel that Wolverine deserves better. But, I truly believe that Jackman’s best days as Logan are behind him and this will likely mark the end of his appearance onscreen as the Canucklehead. One bright spot in the film was most definitely Leiv Schreiber, who delightfully chews up every scene in which he appears as Victor Creed. If we have to lose Wolverine with this film, at least we’re finally gaining a decent Sabretooth. Whether he stays on and appears as Victor in future Marvel films is undetermined, but I’d be ecstatic to see Schreiber appear alongside Ian McKellen (as part of the REAL Brotherhood of Evil Mutants) in the rumored X Men Origins: Magneto. Until then, perhaps its best to just stay home, fire up the DVD of Bryan Singer’s X-Men, pop a beer and start chompin’ on a cigar. ‘Cause that’s the closest you’re going to get to a decent Wolverine story, bub.

Review - Batman ‘Brave & the Bold’ Skiff Ripper Black Manta & Cyclone Spinner Red Tornado

Article originally published 04/09/2009 at geekinthecity.com

Photo gallery available HERE

Through my years as a toy collector, I have amassed enough action figures and vehicles to conquer a small nation… as long as it is guarded by tiny plastic men. I collect toys partially because I appreciate the precision work that goes into their construction. Artists, sculptors, painters - they all lend their skills to the creation of a good action figure. Of course, I also enjoy the nostalgia that comes with gazing upon a shelf loaded with brand new Stormtroopers. Action figures, in all of their various forms, have become a lifetime hobby that offers up more than just a geeky reminder of my various pop culture influences. They also provide a simple (call it juvenile if you like) form of escapism. There’s nothing like tearing open the package of a brand new Green Lantern figure or G.I. Joe vehicle to relieve one of their daily tedium. And when these figures have been set free from their plastic prison? Well, that’s when the epic battles truly begin.

After all, these are toys dammit… they are meant to be played with!

In the spirit of playable action figures, Mattel (who’s collector-goodwill seemingly knows no bounds these days) has launched a line of toys based on their successful Batman: Brave & the Bold animated series. The show, which is currently enjoying an extended run on Cartoon Network, features Batman teamed up with a new superhero (and tackling a new villain) each episode. These stylized figures and vehicles have become the perfect gateway product, allowing younger fans their first crack at pitting the Dark Knight against DC Universe villains both infamous and obscure. In this review, I’ll unleash one of each with “Cyclone Spinner” Red Tornado and “Skiff Ripper” Black Manta.

Packaging:
Mattel’s clear goal with the packaging of this kid-friendly line is to have it stand apart from the rest of the action figure isle. You certainly won’t be confusing these figures with the sterile decor of Hasbro’s Clone Wars line. The card and blister sport vibrant colors, matching the overall theme of the cartoon. These are cartoon figures and the packaging exemplifies this. Each package includes the character’s name, a small image of their animated counterpart and a badass image of the Dark Knight himself. The back of the blister card shows other figures and vehicles in the series. Not much else here… so lets rip these suckers open!

Sculpt & Likeness:
Both Red Tornado and Black Manta stand around 5″ tall, allowing plenty of detail that might otherwise be missing in a smaller scale. They both feature a more blocky stylized look than what is shown in the cartoon. However, this isn’t much of a detraction as these figures are downright fun. Red Tornado’s shoulder armor, cloth cape and chiseled arms/legs give the figure the perfect “superhero” feel. Black Manta is the more detailed of the two, with the rivets and straps of his diving suit lending to a more dynamic looking figure. Manta and Tornado both came with surprisingly clean paint apps, especially considering they’re targeted for the mass-market rather than the discerning collector. This is especially significant on Black Manta, whose yellow eyes and red tubing could have easily skipped past Q.C. with little notice of smudging or discoloration. Kudos to Mattel for taking the production time to ensure that while these figures are certainly kid-centric, they will hold up to the more critical eye of us older Bat-fans.

The one (and likely only) point of contention that I’ll make with this line is the inclusion of hexagonal sockets on the sides and back of each figure. These are an advertised feature of the line and allows the “Snap & Switch” of multiple accessories or weapons. A neat concept, but I think that adding what amounts to seven large holes to each figure does little more than to just make it look bizarre… and not in a good way. I can understand the need to include a socket in the back (for weapon storage) or perhaps even one on each forearm, but seven seems a bit extreme.

Articulation:
Again, you have to take a step back from these figures and understand that they are not targeted for the adult collector… especially not one who might be used to the super-articulated” feature of the Marvel Legends or DC Universe Classics lines. Instead, Red Tornado and Black Manta have limited movement, but it seems to work fine within the confines of their smaller size. Both include neck, shoulder, elbow, waist and thigh joints, bringing their points of articulation to eight per figure. Manta’s head, while articulated, is slightly hindered by the tubes connecting it to his backpack. These tubes are made from what appears to be soft PVC and are very flexible, so you won’t have to fret about any unexpected breaks. A notable absence from both figures is a knee joint, which seems like an odd omission considering the articulated elbows. No matter, as I had no trouble getting Manta and Tornado in a few nifty superhero/villain poses. All that is required is a little imagination.

Accessories:
Both figures include a single “Snap & Switch” accessory/weapon. The “Skiff Ripper” Black Manta comes with a painful looking device with which he presumably uses to rip skiffs. Regardless, it is much cooler than Red Tornado’s captain’s wheel/spinning top/mechanical windstorm… whatever it is. The items can be grasped fairly easily by each figure, thanks to the flexibility of the plastic used for their hands. Both items have an attached hex peg, which allows them to connect to any one of the (unnecessary) seven sockets on each figure. Presumably, one could purchase seven toys from the line and connect the weapons to a single figure, creating an uber-accessories but ultimately functionless hero or villain.

Overall Impression:
My issues with the “Snap & Switch” feature aside, I’m a fan of this series. I’ve been able to find most of the figures in the current waves (which also includes Batman, Blue Beetle and Aquaman) in stores at around the $8.00 mark. Considering that you will pay a similar cost for purchasing the latest 3 3/4″ Clonetrooper, I’d staunchly recommend going with these larger, more playable figures. Mattel has also included vehicles in the Brave & the Bold line and will be adding more heroes and villains in later waves. Look for B’wana Beast, Despero, Gentlemen Ghost and the Joker to get the stylized B&B treatment later this year. For now, pick up Black Manta and Red Tornado (and Batman, of course!), sit down with a bowl of cereal and watch a couple episodes of the show on Cartoon Network. I dare ya to resist the urge to start a few epic battles of your own!

Watching the Watchmen Action Figures!

Article originally published 03/11/2009 at geekinthecity.com

Photo gallery available HERE

Review: DC Direct Watchmen Series 2 - Dr. Manhattan & The Comedian

Zack Snyder’s Watchmen is finally upon us and with it comes all the expectations and trepidations of over two decades of geek fervor. As with any superhero film, even one that so brilliantly deconstructs the genre, Watchmen is accompanied by the inevitable merchandise tie-in. Fans of the Alan Moore / Dave Gibbons graphic novel will acknowledge how tough of a sell Watchmen action figures might be to the average movie-goer. Converting the film’s cast of flawed characters (including a rapist and a god) into 7″ scale toys might seem like a marketing faux pas. However, never underestimate the (buying) power of geek anticipation. So, when it was announced last summer that collector-centric DC Direct would be tackling the duty of creating Watchmen figures, there was little surprise.

This was a chance for fans to get their hands on Rorschach, Nite Owl and the others while sidestepping the unpleasantness that might have occurred if the line had been picked up by mass-market-focused companies like Hasbro or Playmates. In this review, I’ll take a look at Dr. Manhattan and the Comedian from DC Direct’s Watchmen Series 2 and find out if the company’s long tradition of producing high-quality figures from the DC Universe is maintained with this license…

Packaging:
One thing I have always appreciated from DC Direct is the consistency in packaging across all their lines. From Kingdom Come to Long Halloween, the majority of DCD 6″ - 7″ scale figures have been released in the same style rectangular box. So it goes with Watchmen, allowing a more uniformed display for those collectors who prefer to keep their figures sealed and dust-free. The box features a window which gives a clear view of each figure, but obscures any accessories. This isn’t much of a deal for Dr. Manhattan, whose extra appendages they’re legs, sicko) probably don’t need to be seen in-package.

However, the Comedian’s trademark dual .45 pistols are hidden, which is a shame. Best that you open these figures anyway. Once you do, you’ll notice that the cardboard insert for each is reusable as a display backdrop. I had no problems removing the Comedian’s insert from its packaging, but Manhattan’s had a blister (containing the figure stand) glued to it, rendering it pretty much unusable.

Sculpt & Likeness:
Dr. Manhattan is the clear winner in this category, as he is every bit the chiseled god-like form that appeared onscreen. Considering that the character in Snyder’s adaption was essentially a computer-generated representation of Dave Gibbons’ drawings, the task for rendering Doc as an action figure was likely a simple one. No matter, as this figure is the definitive version of the comic/film character. Manhattan’s default pose of outstretched hands and his solemn expression make for an awesome centerpiece in this line. Another bonus is that the figure’s otherwise neutral body sculpt will undoubtedly provide a blank canvas for leagues of action figure customizers.

The Comedian is the more detailed figure of the two, making him the target of more scrutiny. He’s clad in the the field combat outfit that he wore during his on-screen ‘heroics’ in Vietnam and the streets of New York. The outfit itself is pretty stunning, with a varied array of buckles and armor plating. However, one significant issue I found was with his shoulder pads. For some reason, these pads are attached via a thin and brittle piece of plastic and when you raise the figure’s arms, this support piece bends almost to its breaking point. Its an obvious production error and you’ll likely end up gluing these back in place after they ultimately snap off. Another gripe is that this version of the figure comes with a head sculpt that leaves poor Eddie Blake with an uncharacteristically vapid expression. I’m not sure what DC Direct was going for with this figure’s head, as they clearly tried to incorporate a menacing-yet-somber look. I just doesn’t work. The post-Nam scar is a nice touch, but it doesn’t augment the fact that the Comedian should be SNEERING. I mean, he should be chomping on his cigar with an expression of sinister glee… not sucking on the damn thing like it was a lollipop!

Articulation:
I’ve read comments that fans shouldn’t expect much articulation from this line, considering that they were intended by DC Direct more as 7″ statues rather than figures. I disagree completely and was fully expecting at least some poseability with these figures. Dr. Manhattan has almost none, though this is forgivable considering the figure’s sculpt and the general nature of the character. I don’t need Doc in a kung-fu action stance, so this version of the character works fine. He has a ball-joint head as well as movable shoulders and elbows. Manhattan’s “standing legs” are jointed at the knee and hip, allowing for enough articulation to let the figure stand. His ‘floating legs’ have no articulation, which makes perfect sense.

The Comedian is the more articulated figure of the two, but he is still lacking. With a ball-joint head and movable shoulders, wrists, thighs, knees and calves, you’d think that a sufficient action pose would be possible. Instead, these joints (primarily the legs) are hindered by the figure’s blocky body style. The Comedian doesn’t need to be super-articulated, but a few additional joints (especially in the waist/thigh area) would have been a huge addition. Instead, all joints from the waist down are essentially only provided for the Comedian to stand properly, but don’t add any much to what should have been a high coolness factor.

Paint & Color:
Not much to cover here with Doc Manhattan, as a minimalist approach is all that was needed. Again, this figure excels in doing more with less. The Comedian’s paint is clean, albeit confusing. Again, this is a character who embraced every dirty, sadistic and greedy whim of being a ’superhero’. Why then is this figure almost cleaner than Doc Manhattan? Seriously, this version of the Comedian looks like he’s never seen a day of battle, save for some minor scuffing on his shoulder armor (which may have just been a product of my wrestling the figure out of its packaging). After watching his onscreen battles, one would think that at least a small amount of battle-damage on the figure might be in order. Instead, this figure sports shining armor, a freshly-laundered suit and hairless (creepy) arms.

Accessories:
I’ll give this section to the Comedian, as this figure comes with his signature pair of .45 pistols. Each features the vigilante’s trademark smiley face logo and fits nicely into the figure’s hands or thigh holsters. However, there ain’t much else that comes with this figure, which seems like a wasted opportunity. Considering that the Comedian’s hands are permanently sculpted into a “trigger finger” pose, I would have loved another weapon (shotgun!!) for him to hold. Either that, or a second set of hands that could be snapped in place once the .45’s were secured in their holsters. Dr. Manhattan’s lone “accessory” is his extra set of legs, which can be swapped out to allow the figure to be posed in a floating stance. These legs snap in place easily and stay secure thanks to a nifty keyed peg. Both figures include a stand that features interchangeable pegs. I had little success getting these stands to work properly though, as the pegs themselves don’t really offer much support and often came loose themselves. Your best bet might be to ditch these stands (or include them as a backdrop for another figure) and track down some of the more generic flat action figure stands that have been produced by DC Direct or McFarlane Toys.

Overall Impression:
The Comedian and Dr. Manhattan are certainly two of the most visually stunning characters in Watchmen, so it is unfortunate that these figures turned out rather bland. They are a decent enough representation and likely the best we will see in a 6″-7″ scale, but that doesn’t hinder what seems like a missed opportunity on the part of DC Direct. A small change to the paint applications, a few additional joints and an extra accessory or two would have transformed this rather pedestrian release to a couple of truly badass action figures. Instead, we get a Comedian that looks cool at a distance and a Dr. Manhattan who serves more as a statue than an action figure. At a price ranging from $15-$20, you might be best served with picking out a single favorite from the line and passing on the rest.

'Push' Movie Review

Article originally published 01/20/2009 at geekinthecity.com

Sometime around Christmas I received a package in the mail from Summit Entertainment. Generally, an unsolicited parcel from a movie studio would immediately incite glee in my geek heart. However, when I examined the contents of the oversized envelope that lay sprawled across my kitchen table, I understood Summit’s true intent. This was homework. Enclosed was a letter heralding the release of ‘Push’, the studio’s venture into the world of superhero cinema. Along with the letter came the first issue of the Wildstorm comic book which serves as a prequel to the film and an eight-page document (reportedly summarized from a 25 page ‘bible’) by screenwriter David Bourla titled *Push: Notes of the Universe*. As I browsed through this material, I realized that Bourla’s universe was as complex as it was familiar and to bring it to life in the confines of a 111 minute film would be no small undertaking…

In the first few minutes of ‘Push’, we are given a briefing Cassie Holmes (Dakota Fanning) on all the characters in the film, their uncanny abilities and history on how they came to be. This exposition, while certainly required to understand the film, is presented in such a cursory manner that it has no more impact on the audience than an in-flight instruction on what to do in the event of a water landing. For a universe as rich as the one that exists in this ‘Push’, you’d think that director Paul McGuigan would want to take more care than just presenting both heroes and villains in a hurried piece of exposition. Instead, we are briefly shown glimpses of members of the Division, a shadowy government agency whose sole purpose seems to be the unending pursuit of its escaped test subjects. Among their targets are Movers - who have telekinetic abilities, Pushers - who can psychically implant false thoughts or memories and Watchers - who are able to view glimpses of the future. As the film trudges forward, it becomes obvious that the Division views this group of clairvoyant youngsters more as property than proteges. Once this is established, there is little left for the audience to do than sit back and wonder how McGuigan and Bourla intend to make a coherent story out of this jumbled mess of macguffins, nebulous plot points and directionless characters.

Despite the film’s mess of a plotline, ‘Push’ actually does feature some decent performances from its cast of relatively unknown actors. Dakota Fanning (competing against herself during the film’s opening weekend) does a fine job as Cassie, a Watcher who’s sole purpose is to free her mother from the captivity of the Division. Chris Evans, whose turn as Johnny Storm was the only decent part of the ‘Fantastic Four’ movies, takes a lead role as a Mover named Nick Gant. Nick and Cassie spend most of the film together, inserting some rather surreal buddy-cop moments into the story. This was a tad creepy at first, but as the film ended they were the only two characters that gave you the sense that they actually accomplished something. Some of the better moments in ‘Push’ were any time that kiwi character-actor Cliff Curtis was onscreen. Curtis’ role as Hook Waters, a Shifter who could bend light beams to create illusions, felt as if it was lifted directly from the pages of a crime noir drama. Waters is an ex-FBI agent and is always seen with a martini in his hand and a woman on his arm. Curtis’ take on the coolest-guy-in-the-room may not be original, but its pretty damn fun to watch.

If Bourla had his druthers, I expect that he would have preferred that the ‘Push’ universe been laid out in a series of comics or novels far before this film was ever produced. He clearly has a passion for not only the mechanics of how each characters’ abilities work, but also how they rely on each other to survive. I’d buy those books and read them with fervor, as I could see through the course of the film that there was so much more that Bourla wanted to tell. Hopefully he’ll get the chance (you listening Wildstorm?) but until then, this film will have to suffice as a rushed introduction to his complex universe. So, if you are a fan of ‘real-world’ takes on the superhero genre, give ‘Push’ a try. Just remember to do your homework.

'Inkheart' Film Review

Article originally published 01/20/2009 at geekinthecity.com

There are few things on this planet that are more powerful and influential than a good book. Unfortunately, Inkheart leans on this belief with such fervor that it completely isolates itself from both the film’s characters and even the audience. For a movie that is based on a series of successful children’s novels, it seems to have forgotten at some point that the purpose of telling a story is to inspire one’s imagination.

Instead, ‘Inkheart’ relies on sub-par digital effects, a cast of uninteresting actors and countless stolen literary references in its attempt to sell to an unsuspecting public what amounts to little more than a ‘Harry Potter’-stopgap. I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised. This is January after all.

Inkheart is based on the Inkworld trilogy of novels by German author Cornelia Funke. In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that I haven’t yet read these books. Not that this lack of preparation would matter much when it comes to digesting the story that is presented onscreen by director Iaian Softley. As the movie begins, we are introduced to Mo Folchart (Brendan Fraser), a ‘Silvertongue’ who possesses the power of bringing the stories he reads to life. Mo’s tales literally leap off the page, as his voice conjures characters from out of the storybook world and into our own. However, every unworldly talent comes with its price, and Mo’s is a hefty one. We soon learn that for every character that he is able to bring to life, an unknown person from his world must be exiled into the story he reads. This eye-for-an-eye method of bringing balance to both worlds causes chaos as Mo’s wife Riesa (Sienna Guillory) becomes unwittingly transported into the book Inkheart at the same time that the villainous Capricorn (Andy Serkis) is brought forth by Mo’s reading.

Indeed this premise sounds promising. On one hand we have Capricorn, layed with devilish glee by Andy Serkis, who views our world as one that is rife with riches, servants and a population that he can most certainly bend to his whim. On the other is Fraser’s Silvertongue, who only wants to read his wife out of the pages of Inkheart and back into his arms. Between these two opposing forces is a cast of characters that play all too familiar roles. Meggie Folchart (Eliza Bennett) is Mo’s teenage daughter, who learns something important (she’s a Silvertongue too) and doesn’t seem the least bit surprised. Dustfinger (Paul Bettany) is the story’s anti-hero, whose selfishness continuously places the rest of the ‘good guys’ in danger and ultimate redemption comes in an entirely expected and uninteresting manner. Helen Mirren appears as Elinor Loredan, Meggie’s arrogant grandmother and next to Serkis’ Capricorn, is the only other remotely interesting character in the film.

Despite a deceptively talented cast and a premise whose very nature resonates with anyone who has ever picked up a book, Inkheart fails to deliver on any amount of originality and threatens to undermine its very existence. Brendan Fraser, an actor who has been a guilty pleasure of many fans, has never been more vapid or listless than he is playing the role of Mo Folchart. It’s as if someone dressed up a film-school intern in a full body Brendan Fraser suit and promised them extra credit if they would shuffle around the set reading random chapters from a book in a monotone voice and looking sullen-eyed. Conversely, Andy Serkis relishes every moment he is onscreen and makes us wish that Capricorn really would create a world in which he would rule over all, because it would be vastly cooler than the one we are presented in Inkheart.

This film relentlessly hammers into you the notion that books are powerful things. We see people’s lives controlled through the reading of a passage. We witness the conjuring of some of the most famous characters in literary history. Books are inserted into every nuance of the characters in Inkheart and when those books are read, destroyed or used for evil; the results are both glorious and deadly. Through all of this, I couldn’t help to think that this story would have been much better if it had just stayed within the pages of Funke’s Inkworld trilogy. In the hands of Iain Softley, something very important from Inkworld has been lost and what remains is nothing more than the waste of a perfectly good story.

Essentially, you only need to know two things about Inkheart before plopping down your ten bucks to witness it in theaters. First, the film is filled with more literary references than you can shake your leather-bound copy of Lord of the Rings at. Toto, Hook’s crocodile, Rapunzel, flying monkeys and even a Balrog (albeit unintentional) all make their appearance in Inkheart, which provides just enough distraction at times to make you forget that the film you are watching really isn’t that interesting. Second, the film really is based on a very successful series of books. Knowing this, wouldn’t it make more sense to take that cash and pick up a few of the books that clearly inspired this… er, interpretation? I’d say so, and I think Baum, Barrie, Tolkien and maybe even Cornelia Funke might all agree.

The Trial of Colonel Sweeto and Other Stories

Article originally published 04/30/2008 at popculturezoo.com

by Wes Cowan

While I like the accessibility of web comics, there is just something delightfully visceral about print. The Trial of Colonel Sweeto and Other Stories is a collection of comic strips from The Perry Bible Fellowship is a wonder to behold, bright and colorful with a red ribbon bound to the spine. While the cover is reminiscent of the children’s board game Candy Land, the scene of a candy character about to be burned at the stake by a candy mob is a dead give away that something is not quite right.

It has been said that the line between madness and genius is narrow. Nicholas Gurewitch is erasing that line with The Perry Bible Fellowship. An important question remains… can this delicate balance of two minds produce something that is actually funny? After reading The Trial of Colonel Sweeto and Other Stories, I must admit that I am the type of person who ‘laughs on the inside’. Thankfully, The Perry Bible Fellowship makes me giggle like a school boy peeking at naughty pictures.

Artistically both adept and dynamic, Gurewitch is sheer genius. His parodies of other famous comics are stylistically precise, delivering punchlines that on many levels are hauntingly familiar. You always knew you wanted to see in these types of jokes in some of the more mainstream comic strips that have gotten tired and boring over the years. Ironically, Gurewitch’s own signature style usually involves wonderfully expressive ‘blank’ humanoid characters. The beauty (and once again, madness) is in the simplicity of these characters. They are not important… but the ideas and thoughts that they represent ring through loud and clear. These are not your father’s funny pages.

A bonus for those who buy the book is a section at the back called ‘Lost Strips’, including commentary by the author. Run, do not walk, and get this very funny and irreverent collection!

The Trial of Colonel Sweeto and Other Stories: A Collection of the Comic Strips of the Perry Bible Fellowship is available via the PBF website.

How To Maintain Your Chakra By Avoiding ‘The Love Guru’H

Article originally published 06/18/2008 at popculturezoo.com

Lets get one thing out of the way. The Love Guru is a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad movie. This is not a funny movie… it is not a so-bad-its-good movie. What Mike Myers has excreted on audiences in the form of Guru Pitka is nothing short of the cinematic equivalent of a punchline to an unfunny and altogether annoying joke. You know the type: a joke whose setup is long and winding and is being told to you by a 13 year old who doesn’t really grasp how to make it funny, other than to add as many poo and booger references as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I love poo and booger jokes as much as any other 30-going-on-13 male out there. But this type of humor has been done so much better by so many previous filmmakers that it does nothing for me to see these jokes recycled in The Love Guru.

A brief synopsis: The Love Guru (again: a film you shouldn’t see) tells the story of Guru Pitka (Myers), an American who was raised in a small village in India. All grown up, Pitka returns to the US and embarks on a conquest of the self-help industry. Pitka’s skills are solicited by the Toronto Maple Leafs as they search for a way to calm the nerves of their star hockey player, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco). Thrown into the mix are the Leafs’ hot-as-balls female owner (Jessica Alba), their midget head coach (Verne Troyer) and a ‘gifted’ opposing player (Justin Timberlake) who just happens to be shacking up with Roanoke’s wife.

There isn’t much in the film that is given to this cast to work with. Myers (who co-wrote the script) strings together a little over an hour’s worth of recycled dick & fart jokes from his Austin Powers days. He ties these together with equally-painful flashbacks from Pitka’s ‘guru training’ under the tutelage of Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley… seriously). I’m certain that the film was able to accurately capture the stringent and disciplined training regiment undertaken by real gurus in India… right down to the epic piss-soaked mop battles. What few ‘laugh out loud’ moments that exist in the film come courtesy of Stephen Colbert, who appears as a strung-out hockey commentator, and a great little ‘Spy Vs. Spy’ bit involving the mascots of the Toronto Maple Leafs and the L.A. Kings.

It is a shame that Mike Myers, the man who brought the world So I Married An Axe Murder, Wayne’s World and even the first Austin Powers flick has reverted this far with his characters. In The Love Guru, Myers is reduced to repackaging ten year old poo humor and forcing it back on the moviegoers for 10 bucks a seat. This stuff just isn’t that funny any more. If the box office returns for The Love Guru’s first weekend ($14million, 4th place) are any indication, maybe American audiences agree. After this debacle, Myers should take Guru Pitka’s advice and seek happiness within. Or, at least find some new material.

Pixar’s ‘Wall-E’ Redefines Storytelling

Article originally published 06/27/2008 at popculturezoo.com

Like much of the doubting geek masses, I was tenuous in my expectations for the newest Pixar film, Wall-E. Was it possible for this company to continue their streak of flawless and endearing films? Unlike previous Pixar movies, after I saw the initial trailer for Wall-E, it wasn’t the CGI that lured me in. Not even the story of a lovable robot who dreamed of traveling into the stars. What really gave me chills was Wall-E’s voice. So, as I shuffled into the Disney panel at last year’s San Diego Comic Con, I was more excited to listen to the sounds and voices from the world of Wall-E than to see the characters. To my delight, Andrew Stanton took the stage and introduced to the crowd the man who crafted the voices of Wall-E, Eve, Mo and the other droids in this film. The same man who brought to life R2-D2, Chewbacca, E.T. and the rumbling boulder from Raiders of The Lost Ark… Ben Burtt. As I stood there and watched this cinematic icon tap on a keyboard, bringing to life the slideshow of robots from Wall-E that sat motionless on a screen behind him, I took my first step into this new and fantastic world. From this point on, I was sold on Wall-E.

To recap a bit of the plot, Wall-E is the last being on planet Earth. Left behind to literally clean up mankind’s mess, Wall-E is a robot who was programmed with a single directive: compact trash until there is nothing left. So, as the decades tick by (and his counterparts slowly break down and rust away) Wall-E keeps to his ‘job’. At some point during his years of laboring alone, Wall-E became self-aware. As we are introduced to the character, we find him plugging away through a normal day of work. However, for Wall-E this is no ordinary job. As he compacts trash, he collects unique items that he finds. A rubick’s cube, a spork, a vhs tape of Mary Poppins… these are no mere knick-knacks. These are the items that help Wall-E define himself as a ‘person’ and we get to watch the robot adapt his personality as he finds and interacts with them. Through this, Wall-E ultimately realizes that he is alone and he longs for a companion. Someone to hold hands with.

Wall-E will astonish you with its rich cast of characters (including a great little shout-out to Animal from the Muppets). Wall-E, Eve, Moe, Otto and the rest of the robots are so immersive that I had to remind myself that through the first 20 minutes of the move, there isn’t any dialog. As we watch Wall-E go about his daily routine, the sound effects and mannerisms that Pixar have given this character transcend the lack of any actual speaking. And when humans finally do appear, it becomes almost distracting (with apologizes to Mr. Ratzenberger). Make no mistake, the humans of Earth are a central point of the film’s final act and it would have been foolish to leave them out of the story altogether. That said, I was so enamored with Pixar and Ben Burt’s robotic creations that I could watch the first third of this film on replay for hours.

It is no secret that director Andrew Stanton and the rest of the creators at Pixar are in love with their characters. Every Pixar character is researched, sketched out, created, torn apart and then created again from the ground up. These storytellers must be absolutely certain that the correct embodiment of their ideas is being presented on-screen. In Wall-E, there is a little bit of E.T., a smattering of R2-D2 and a hint of Johnny-5. Wall-E is just as confusing, friendly, nostalgic and full of wonder as the classic Atari gaming console that undoubtedly still sits in the basement of the Pixar wizards who created him. This is the reason that I feel Wall-E will become one of Pixar’s most memorable characters. He embodies both the free spirit who loves with reckless abandon and the child who gazes at the stars with the absolute certainty that he will one day travel among them. As I walked out of the theater, my only thought was that Wall-E is the perfect embodiment of an old saying… work like you don’t need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt.

SCI-FI Channel Haunts July With Premiers of ‘Scare Tactics’ and ‘Ghost Hunters International’

Article originally published 07/9/2008 at popculturezoo.com

Beginning this week, fans of paranormal reality shows will be much happier with their Wednesday nights. This week marks the premiere of two of the SCI-FI Channel’s ghoulishly popular shows, Ghost Hunters International and Scare Tactics. How do these two shows stack up against other perennial summertime reality favorites like Amazing Race and The Mole? Well, there really is not much of a comparison. These two shows can’t be pigeonholed into the the ‘reality television’ genre as they fall more on within the SCI-FI realm of the fantastical. Regardless, any way you look at it, ghostbusting twentysomethings and an unwitting assistant to the delivery of a devil child always makes for good television. We caught a peek at the season premiers for both shows… read on for our reactions to these summer screamers from SCI-FI (hah!).

Scare Tactics:

This season marks the return of Scare Tactics to the SCI-FI channel. The show, which features a hidden-camera premise, puts its ’stars’ into situations which combine elements of Punk’d and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. An intriguing premise, I’ll admit. Unfortunately, the new Scare Tactics, along with its new host Tracy Morgan offers more groans than shrieks. Morgan introduces each prank with a combination of grim humor and wooden dialog so flat it would make the Crypt Keeper want to off himself… again. The pranks themselves are pretty great, including one that involves a delivery room, a midget painted red and a very confused nurse-in-training. However, the show’s clearly scripted nature gives little credence to the ‘reveal’, leading you to believe that the mark was in on the gag from the beginning. Oh well, regardless of its missteps, I say that there is always room on television for a man being shoved in a wood-chipper.

Ghost Hunters International:

Building on the success of their first paranormal series Ghost Hunters, SCI-FI went in search of spectres on a global scale. GHI chronicles the journeys of a new team of investigators as they traverse the globe on a quest to debunk ghost sightings. The premise doesn’t differ much from the original Ghost Hunters series but what really sells GHI is its elaborate locations. In this season premiere the team travels to Larnach Castle, the only one of its kind in New Zealand. There, they immerse themselves in the castle’s deep (and violent) history, hoping to learn more about the building’s former inhabitants. Much of the episode relies on setup, preparation and more setup. All of this is loosely tied together with a few mysteriously clattering dishes and some common-sense ‘debunking’ showmanship involving a hair dryer. When the payoff finally comes, we are left with little more than a history lesson and some well-presented speculation. A fun trip for sure, I just wish the destination wasn’t such a letdown.

‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars' Film Review

Article originally published 08/15/2008 at popculturezoo.com

Like many middle-aged geeks, I have endured a love/hate relationship with Star Wars. I have existed on this planet for the same number of years as George Lucas’ space opera and no cinematic endeavors have had more affect, polarizing thought it may be, on my life. The original Star Wars trilogy has shaped both my love of movies and my outlook on life. Heck, I always saw myself as more of a wookiee than a klingon… felt more akin to Lando than Kirk. It is with that in mind that I found myself in an entirely foreign and uncomfortable place when I learned of Lucasfilm’s upcoming animated series The Clone Wars. I was apathetic. Not angry, though the bitter taste of a Gungan-filled world was still with me. Not excited, though my heart still flutters when I see a lightsaber ignite onscreen. No… I just didn’t care. Star Wars had reached a plateau in my geek-consciousness and was clearly on the downhill slope to irrelevance.

I corrected myself quickly. I was wrong. This was freaking STAR WARS and The Clone Wars held the promise of a glimpse into a chapter that fans had long wanted to see onscreen. Ever since Obi-Wan first spoke of the existence of this mythical skirmish to Luke as he lamented the demise of Anakin, the Clone Wars became a fixture in the Star Wars lexicon. Always hinted at but never fully realized, fleeting glimpses of the Clone Wars were rolled out during the prequel trilogy and most recently in Genndy Tartakovsky’s brilliant animated shorts in 2003. But we’ve never seen the actual Clone WARS. You know, the battles where legions of disposable clone troopers waged war against an untiring droid army. This was the piece that was missing, what Star Wars needed to return itself to its rightful place as the lord and master of all sci-fi franchises.

Sadly, this is where The Clone Wars failed.

This film (or rather, the first three episodes of The Clone Wars television series) is no less than the muddled, obnoxious and boring tale that angered fans in the prequels. The film’s primary characters have not been given any additional depth (I’m looking at you, Anakin) and are therefore just as cringe-inducing as they were in Episodes 1-3. To make matters worse, we are introduced to a new character who just might surpass Jar-Jar Binks as the most hated creation in the Lucas-verse. In the first few minutes of the film, we are given Ashoka Tano, a teenage Togruta girl who gets assigned by Yoda as Anakin’s padawan learner. But Anakin is a loner, see? He don’t need no padawan learner… and girls just get in the way. Tano counters Anakin’s begrudging and cocky behavior with spunky wide-eyed optimism and an endless string of arguments, whining and more arguments. The chemistry between these two ‘Jedis’ was enough to make me seek out a bantha for more pleasurable company.

There are other tedious and aggravating elements to The Clone Wars that I won’t go into. The southern-fried Uncle The Hutt who mysteriously speaks English. The Hutt baby… just because we needed a damn baby in the movie. The egregious misuse of both Christopher Lee and Sam Jackson. These are all merely elements of a larger missed picture. One that I should have known was coming but was too blinded by the novelty of ‘new’ Star Wars content to see the truth.

That said, I will freely admit to enjoying every moment involving the clone trooper army. This makes The Clone Wars all the more maddening because when the actual clone army was onscreen, I was captured. This film is a missed opportunity. What should have been 90 minutes of war footage capturing the essence of a hopeless struggle between clones and droids was instead reverted into yet more bitching by aliens. Every time Captain Rex was involved in a scene, I found myself nodding and smiling with geeky glee. Rex’s custom armor, dual pistols, blond hairdo and grizzled manner of speaking (calling the droids “clankers”… brilliant) immersed me into the character. And that’s what the film is supposed to be about, right? Learning what made these clone troopers tick, what caused a being who was a carbon-copy of his fellow soldiers to develop his own personality. I wanted more drop zones, more close-combat between troopers and droids… this was supposed to be a WAR movie!

Ultimately, The Clone Wars will draw in a new generation of fans… and I suppose that is a good thing. My daughter, who is 9, walked out of the film imitating Ashoka Tano and claiming I need to buy her a clone trooper helmet. So, I guess in the end, Lucas wins out. He can keep peddling his broken concepts of what the Star Wars universe should be to a new and unsuspecting generation, right along with a new line of toys. I’m glad that Star Wars will always be around, I just don’t think that my daughter’s generation will feel the same connection with the stories that so vividly captured me… the wonder at those events that happened long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

I don’t know… maybe I am more like Kirk.